It Will All Be Worth It
About unreasonable belief... and love.
Just out the door and run. Turning around when my head will be winning over my heats reasoning. I was sick the past week. I was looking forward to this run very much. It was nice.
I thought a lot.
About the past weeks. About the highlights sprinkled in a sea of inconsistency. About that I was sick a few weeks ago, too. About my running log showing a different runner than who I normally am. That I’m working a lot right now. Mainly the reason for this inconsistency. Maybe also the reason for the cold hanging around.
At one point I knew I could turn left and experience a small adventure. Heavy snowfall the past days should make this exciting. It wouldn’t be smart, but it would be worth it.
While I was slogging up a hill in this silent valley I suddenly asked myself:
Will this all be worth it?
Doubt. The first time in months. Caused by a combination of being tired while also doing what I enjoy the most: Being outside and moving my own body through nature (and honestly, suffering a bit because my heart was beating out my chest while literally walking). Not sitting inside, staring at a screen and trying to find a way to build something that will help some people. If even just one.
It honestly surprised me. It is the first time in my life where I truly stick to something for a long time because I feel a purpose behind it. I also don’t see me stopping. So why doubt myself?
I was about to turn right. My mind lost in thought. I went around the corner and saw nothing but just a knee deep blanket of snow. Underneath, the trail I love so much. Just the right gradient to kick me into flow every time. Not today. Out and back it is.
It’s hard right now. Super hard honestly. I love to build things. Thinking about how it will work. How interacting with it will make you feel. How to every product there is more to it than just fulfilling a job. That it has to have a soul. And that you feel it instantly when it hasn’t. I’m not building the next app for runners. I am building an app for runners with a certain mindset. When you see it you will know if its for you or not. I know this will not be for everyone. It should not be. But this all is making it super hard. Its trying to tie together how I think about training, about the mental side of running and about doing this for decades to come.
A few months ago I talked with Hanna that I have those two personalities in me when I’m thinking about this sport.
On the one side I have this anti-performance mindset. That it’s about experiencing your own body and mind while enjoying time outside. It’s those runs with friends where you not once think about your pace, heart rate or your effort level. Things just flow. Also this side knows that setbacks are part of the game and that it’s part of the deal you sign when you start this sport.
And on the other side there is this pure drive. This, I know when I set my mind to it, I will overcome everything. This prepare 110% for what you are about to do. Almost unreasonable belief.
This,
I just know it will all be worth it.
I had to laugh a bit while slip and sliding back down through this valley. My mind bubbled up this heavy thought. Will it all be worth it? And without much thought or reasoning the answer was just that it will be. No explanation, no back and forth. The fiery side just scorching how it is. And you know what? I believe it. So I laughed at my own thought.
The downhill was easing off a bit. You know this gradient where you feel like flying? Just the right amount where you feel fast. You can open up your stride completely. Flow after all. I had the biggest smile and the warmest chest. A moment stretched in time.
And then there it was. Just pouring into my mind:
I know it will be worth it, because…
because there are people that think like me.
because it will be just right for someone.
because I also learn so much building it.
because I love to do it.
And many more. I might learn that I’m off on some of those. But some of those reasons are tied to my definition of success. Fully under my control. And those are the ones worth holding onto. Nobody can take away what I learn building this thing. And nobody can take away the love I pour into it.
And, for you to also take something away from this: When you pour love into something – it will always be worth it!
Until next time.
If that resonates – I’d love to hear your story
I’m currently building an app for runners who want to show up, not off. If you recently switched your training app, switched or left your coach or changed your training approach I would love to hear your story. It might shape what I build. Just book yourself a slot.
Recent couple of months:
I ran a 100 KM Stadium Run(250 laps) on 24th January in a time of 9:15 whereas the goal was 7:30. I blew up in the second half pretty badly and didn't consume much calories after 55 KM mark and around the 90 KM mark I was peeing dark brown blood and after the race I was having blood in my spits as well. Then I ran a 50 KM race on 8th February where I had goal of running it under 3:45 but ran 4:17 as I chose to run a 2.5 hour run on 7th February. Both of these times internal monologue choked me up big time as I was falling way off my expectations. But after this both the upcoming races I was able to maintain my sanity for long enough.
On 1st March I randomly ran my first ever marathon on fully flat surface and this was my first attempt at 42.2 since I started running. No specific marathon training, no specific speed workouts, no long runs on PMP. Ran a 2:48 on basically sheer aerobic base that I have built and ran 1:22 & 1:26 for 1st & 2nd half.
Then on 7th March(a couple of days ago) I attempted again a 100 KM Stadium Run(250 laps) at the same venue. Ran 8:12 for the 100 KM, improved by 63 minutes in a span of 6 weeks. Even though I had ran a marathon 6 days prior to this effort. My Coros Pace Pro clocked 70 Km in 5:01 but then I had to deal with the fatigue. Gut issues after 39 KM mark and still learning. I know I can run this distance under 7:30. Swinging for the fences approach and nobody lets to tell me that this can't be done. I believe now in taking shots because 100% of the shots not taken are missed, so better take it when the body is healthy. Sometimes we think next time and the next time never comes- might be family obligations/responsibilties, health issue, injury or can be any other thing. If time & health allows, go for the MF thing.
This is my story from 14th to 20th March what I did.
I can walk off from the sport of running now as I have achieved my long term goal of running 175 mile week in training. In the last 7 days- I have run 294 KM(182.7 miles) and that only on Singles in the morning. I am proud of myself. I don’t know if you can understand doing on singles this much of volume and that it was not slow and included fast paces.
The point is this wasn't even planned as I had 2 races in a span of 6 days. Marathon debut on 1st March for which I ran 2:48 and 100 KM for which I ran 8:12 on 7th March. Now I am thinking did I really almost ran 300 KM in a week span and don't feel much fatigue. I can run Sub-3 for marathon tomorrow. I don’t sell myself short in running now and have to apply this in other facets of life as well. And now again from 30th March to 5th April I ran 175 miles (281 KM) & 17000 feet of elevation gain on concrete roads. All of the last 6 years & 20000 KM has been SOLO also.
I am pursuing this like my life depends on it. The fuel behind all of this is- DELUSIONAL SELF BELIEF.
I had a goal of wanting to get a qualifier for team India for 2026 100 KM World Championships. But I couldn't get it. The best part is I am self coached meaning I am my own guinea pig and run the experiments in the lab. Experiments can be done when A goal is not on the line. So I tried and learnt that psychologically is big limiter for what we can achieve in our lives. I have been running for 5.5 years and these two 7 day training experiment/block of 175+ mile has unlocked a different level for what I can do. Even though I don’t believe in limits and believe anything can be achieved but a lot of the times one can’t visualize or turn that into confidence when the work hasn’t been put or there is no proof/evidence of work. An hour back listened to Emily Saul(Sports Psychologist) on podcast and she also told this, you can’t trick your mind. Sometimes we need to I understand even if there is no prior proof that heck yeah I can do this.
If I wouldn’t have tried this, I would have the same belief regarding training and the amount of confidence I have for my own self.
My next race(56 KM & 3200 meters of elevation gain) is on 11th April and it is a trail race. I haven't run on trails since October and that too was for the race only. I train on roads and hop on to trails. No accessibility of trails doesn't stop me from doing trail races as I have just got one life and I can't let this being used as a crutch in this life span. I am planning to break the CR by more than 1.5 hours & will try to run this race under 6 hours, I know it is a tough task but I am going all in and willing to blow up because from now on I don't care about the results much. I have also understood that when you are super fit- you have to race like you are super fit and not just good fit. Then how would you know what the hell you can do at your best.
And then I have got a trail 19 KM & 2000 meters of elevation gain race on 23rd May and I will race that too totally by training on roads & will try to improve on my last year's timing of 2:46. I will try to dip under 2:30 mark and will se if the fitness is super fit- I will try to have a crack at the CR of 2:25. I believe fitness is fitness, it can be translated for sure if not at 100% efficiency but around 90%.